What Not to Say on IM
by DeadPoet0712
Summary: Neil and Todd have a very interesting chat on IM, which leads to one interesting night. Co-written by CorkyConlon. Oneshot. Rated T for language and mature situations.


What Not to Say on IM

Oneshot

Disclaimer: I do not own the Dead Poets Society. If I did, would I be writing this? I just own the idea of them being on IM.

**A/N: I came up with the idea of Neil and Todd talking on IM months ago. I decided to partner up with CorkyConlon to help me with this. So of course she receives the credit of being Todd and a few other of the characters. Thanks, Cam! I couldn't have done it without you! And thank goodness we finally got around to it. We know IM wasn't around then but it seemed amusing. So yes, this is our strange creation. Anyhow, enjoy and review, please!**

JustTodd (8:32:42 PM): Hey!

Neil_Perry (8:33:34 PM): Hey, Todd. How's the library going?

JustTodd (8:35:01 PM): *sigh* It's not bad...but the librarian is kind of giving me the heebie-jeebies. She keeps staring over this way like she wants to kill us...I think it's because Nuwanda keeps giving her what he calls "smoldering eyes". I told him he'd only be allowed to study with me if he behaved. He didn't listen.

Neil_Perry (8:35:15 PM): Wait...wait. You actually got him to go into the library?

JustTodd (8:36:22 PM): Yeah, I was pretty shocked as well. Until he informed me that he had found a secret stash of Playboys in the very back corner behind one of the work desks. Some of them are first editions.

Neil_Perry (8:36:58 PM): Ha! So when someone asks why Charlie is suddenly studying and why his grades aren't improving...

JustTodd (8:37:42 PM): It's because he's actually just found the lost city of Porn-lantis.

(8:38:08 PM): Charlie's the mayor of Porn-lantis.

Neil_Perry (8:38:25 PM): Which for some reason reminds me. We're all doing the meeting tonight, right?

JustTodd (8:39:39 PM): Yep. Charlie's deciding which magazine he wants to bring and scribble risqué poetry all over; and I'm attempting to finish this stupid Chemistry homework, because otherwise I'll never finish. Too bad Meeks decided to get in a nap before the meeting and ditched Charlie and I. He'd be a lot of help.

JustTodd (8:39:47 PM): ...and how did that possible remind you of the meeting?

Neil_Perry (8:40:22 PM): Well, at least I got Chemistry over with this past summer. I could probably help you. If I even remember any of it.

Neil_Perry (8:40:23 PM): Oh...

Neil_Perry (8:40:56 PM): Well, Charlie brings those magazines. And that's considered porn. So...does that make our cave part of Porn-lantis?

JustTodd (8:41:36 PM): Maybe it's part of the rural area?

Neil_Perry (8:41:59 PM): That works. It definitely works.

Neil_Perry (8:42:25 PM): You know, I bet if Charlie managed to sneak in some beer, you'd probably be a lightweight.

JustTodd (8:43:05 PM): I am not a lightweight! You're the one that would be a lightweight Mr. How-Am-I-Not-Being-Blown-Away-By-The-Wind!

Neil_Perry (8:43:27 PM): Hey! It isn't my fault I'm so naturally...skinny.

JustTodd (8:44:09 PM): Yes, well...your skinniness won't help you when it comes to alcohol consumption. At least I have some meat on my bones to absorb the alcohol stuff.

JustTodd (8:44:16 PM): ...ha ha...you drunk...

JustTodd (8:44:28 PM): You'd be spouting off Shakespeare like there's no tomorrow.

Neil_Perry (8:45:00 PM): Alcohol stuff? Ha! But hey, if I eat something and drink it wouldn't be so bad.

Neil_Perry (8:45:13 PM): ...At least Shakespeare would be better than what would come out

of Charlie's mouth.

JustTodd (8:46:07 PM): I don't think I want to know what would come out of Charlie's drunk mouth...

Neil_Perry (8:46:14 PM): Or what would go in it...

Neil_Perry (8:46:17 PM): We'd have to ask Knox.

Neil_Perry (8:46:30 PM): Knox'd definitely know.

JustTodd (8:46:35 PM): Or maybe Meeks.

Neil_Perry (8:46:41 PM): Maybe both?

JustTodd (8:47:07 PM): I saw Charlie practicing the "smoldering look" on them both at lunch today. Meeks turned the color of the tomato sauce that they were serving.

JustTodd (8:47:20 PM): Knox returned the look with vigor.

Neil_Perry (8:47:55 PM): ...I'm a little worried to leave any of them behind in the cave.

JustTodd (8:48:19 PM): Well, it is Porn-lantis.

Neil_Perry (8:48:50 PM): Maybe I should leave Charlie alone with you...

JustTodd (8:49:19 PM): ...please don't.

JustTodd (8:49:55 PM): Psh. Brb; I have to get another book that supposedly has a few of the answers in it...hold on.

Neil_Perry (8:50:23 PM): Okay!

JustTodd (8:50:40 PM): Excuse me. I'm from the FBI; the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.

JustTodd (8:50:51 PM): Gee, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?

Neil_Perry (8:51:01 PM): ...Todd?

JustTodd (8:51:13 PM): I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.

Neil_Perry (8:51:24 PM): I didn't even know you had a 'to do' list...

JustTodd (8:51:38 PM): What're you wearing? I bet your outfit would look great in a crumpled pile next to my bed.

JustTodd (8:51:43 PM): Or your bed, either works.

Neil_Perry (8:51:54 PM): Haha, Todd...you feeling alright?

Neil_Perry (8:51:57 PM): ...Our uniform?

JustTodd (8:52:33 PM): If I followed you home, would you keep me?

JustTodd (8:52:59 PM): DAMN! Your ass is fine...want to come see mine?

JustTodd (8:53:16 PM): Baby, you're sexier than socks on a rooster.

JustTodd (8:53:36 PM): You dropped something...my jaw. fajoweimcyujhnbe irm ")}HRFEUDJF

Neil_Perry (8:53:44 PM): Whoa, whoa, whoa!

JustTodd (8:53:45 PM): Gah! Sorry!

Neil_Perry (8:53:57 PM): ?

JustTodd (8:54:04 PM): I went to go get a book and Charlie appears to have assaulted you with sexual pick-up lines.

JustTodd (8:54:15 PM): This is the last time I ever allow him to study with me.

Neil_Perry (8:54:47 PM): ...I'm not sure if I should be more disturbed or not over the fact that Charlie might think my ass is fine. Or that he thinks socks are sexy on a rooster.

JustTodd (8:54:58 PM): Are you a parking ticket? Because you got FINE written all over you.

JustTodd (8:55:04 PM): NOW HE PUSHED ME OUT OF MY CHAIR!

JustTodd (8:55:12 PM): This means war. I'm ripping up his favorite Playboy.

Neil_Perry (8:55:22 PM): I wouldn't have typed that where he can see it...

JustTodd (8:55:45 PM): Too late. It's gone. And now we're getting yelled at by the librarian and she's asking what I'm typing and—

Neil_Perry (8:56:04 PM): O_O

JustTodd (8:56:04 PM): Okay, she's gone now. I had to close out of the window for safety purposes.

Neil_Perry (8:56:09 PM): I'd say so.

Neil_Perry (8:56:17 PM): That...wow. Charlie's rather...eager?

JustTodd (8:56:35 PM): He's watching the librarian walk back to her desk. I'd say 'desperate' is a better word.

Neil_Perry (8:56:59 PM): Todd. Isn't she like...40?

JustTodd (8:57:18 PM): I think so. At least that...

JustTodd (8:57:30 PM): But she's also single. According to him.

Neil_Perry (8:57:35 PM): Ewww.

Neil_Perry (8:57:44 PM): That'd be like sleeping with someone our parent's age.

Neil_Perry (8:57:50 PM): I'd rather sleep with you than that.

Neil_Perry (8:57:53 PM): UH.

JustTodd (8:57:58 PM): O_o

Neil_Perry (8:57:59 PM): Ignore that!

JustTodd (8:58:06 PM): Ignore that?

Neil_Perry (8:58:08 PM): Just...so...Porn-lantis, huh?

JustTodd (8:58:18 PM): Yeah...Porn-lantis...

JustTodd (8:58:31 PM): Charlie's being pretty docile now that I'm holding his Playboy hostage.

JustTodd (8:58:37 PM): ...and really?

JustTodd (8:58:50 PM): You'd rather sleep with me than some woman our parents' age?

Neil_Perry (8:58:54 PM): Charlie needs his Betty-Jane.

Neil_Perry (8:58:58 PM): ...Gah!

Neil_Perry (8:59:01 PM): I said ignore that!

JustTodd (8:59:15 PM): How can I ignore that when it's on my computer screen and we room together?

Neil_Perry (8:59:30 PM): It isn't like I'd attack you!

Neil_Perry (8:59:35 PM): ...If I actually felt like that.

Neil_Perry (8:59:37 PM): And all.

Neil_Perry (8:59:47 PM): And have you seen Knox?

JustTodd (9:01:08 PM): Uh...Knox is with Chris, remember. He made a big deal of seeing her tonight when we were eating dinner...you complained all the way back to our dorm about how Knox needs to preoccupy his time with something less annoying to listen about.

Neil_Perry (9:01:43 PM): Oh, right. I guess it just sort of slipped my mind. I'm reviewing my lines for the play and uh, Knox...makes a good...fairy?

Neil_Perry (9:01:55 PM): ...Not in the gay way, obviously.

JustTodd (9:02:15 PM): Um, sure...

JustTodd (9:02:19 PM): You feeling okay, Neil?

Neil_Perry (9:02:39 PM): Of course! Never better.

Neil_Perry (9:02:42 PM): Why?

JustTodd (9:03:16 PM): You're acting...strange. Or so it seems. I mean...I'm talking to you through a computer, so something could be lost in translation...but you just seem on edge about something.

JustTodd (9:03:24 PM): You know, like the fact that you mentioned sleeping with me.

Neil_Perry (9:03:46 PM): I thought we'd gotten past that?

JustTodd (9:04:32 PM): Well I may or may not have accidentally mentioned it to a certain horny mayor of Porn-lantis out of pure shock when you first typed it...

JustTodd (9:04:37 PM): And he keeps bringing it up...

Neil_Perry (9:04:55 PM): TODD!

JustTodd (9:05:40 PM): And he is also wondering if you can go across the hall and knock on Meeks' door and tell him to 'Meet him later concerning Biology homework'.

JustTodd (9:05:45 PM): ...and don't kill me.

JustTodd (9:06:12 PM): It just sort of slipped out. I didn't expect to ever read a sentence like that in my life!

Neil_Perry (9:06:20 PM): Tell Charlie to get off his ass and do it himself. His Porn-lantis mags can wait.

Neil_Perry (9:06:37 PM): Yeah, well...I didn't even realize I was saying it!

JustTodd (9:06:47 PM): So...it was sub-conscious?

Neil_Perry (9:06:55 PM): And you know, you're rather interested in this. Maybe you want to sleep with me?

JustTodd (9:07:01 PM): Charlie says his ass is too grand to do his own work.

JustTodd (9:07:08 PM): WHAT?

Neil_Perry (9:07:14 PM): ...I dunno. I guess it could've been. And Charlie just...ignore him.

Neil_Perry (9:07:19 PM): HEY! YOU COULD!

JustTodd (9:07:27 PM): I...I...no!

JustTodd (9:07:44 PM): Charlie's humping my chair...it's hard to ignore him.

JustTodd (9:07:53 PM): And he won't quit reading over my shoulder. Hold on.

JustTodd (9:08:31 PM): Okay, I threw his Playboy out the library door. He's like a dog. But he'll be back. So we better discuss this quickly.

Neil_Perry (9:08:51 PM): Well it's better than him humping you. Or me again for that matter...gah.

Neil_Perry (9:08:59 PM): Okay, what uh, is there to discuss?

JustTodd (9:09:01 PM): YOU BROUGHT IT UP THIS TIME!

JustTodd (9:09:14 PM): Um...the fact that you may possibly want to...have sexual relations with me.

Neil_Perry (9:09:25 PM): Or you wanting to do that with me...

JustTodd (9:09:33 PM): ...you started this.

Neil_Perry (9:09:51 PM): ...You're interested.

JustTodd (9:10:01 PM): Because I sleep in the bed next to yours!

Neil_Perry (9:10:35 PM): No, Todd. I think you want into my bed.

Neil_Perry (9:11:01 PM): It's the acting, isn't it?

Neil_Perry (9:11:08 PM): I was told girls liked it but...

JustTodd (9:11:13 PM): Why would you think that? You're the one who said you wanted to sleep with me! And no, it's not the acting!

Neil_Perry (9:11:23 PM): AHA! THEN IT IS SOMETHING!

JustTodd (9:11:39 PM): What? No...that...I was just saying that I'm not attracted to you because of acting!

Neil_Perry (9:11:54 PM): But you are attracted to me...

JustTodd (9:12:04 PM): I never said that! You're the one that's attracted to me!

Neil_Perry (9:12:12 PM): What?

Neil_Perry (9:12:15 PM): I never said that!

JustTodd (9:12:22 PM): You said you wanted to sleep with me!

JustTodd (9:12:28 PM): And/or hump me!

JustTodd (9:12:36 PM): Which is pretty much the same now that I think about it!

Neil_Perry (9:12:37 PM): Whoa, whoa! When did I say that?

JustTodd (9:12:48 PM): When I told you Charlie was humping my chair!

Neil_Perry (9:12:57 PM): I said it was better Charlie was humping the chair instead of you!

Neil_Perry (9:13:04 PM): Now you're reading in-between the lines.

Neil_Perry (9:13:11 PM): You want to...to...fuck me!

JustTodd (9:13:20 PM): I do not!

Neil_Perry (9:13:23 PM): Do too!

JustTodd (9:13:31 PM): You want to fuck me too!

Neil_Perry (9:13:41 PM): So you admit you want to!

JustTodd (9:13:47 PM): NO!

JustTodd (9:13:51 PM): And 'fuck' is a bad word.

Neil_Perry (9:14:35 PM): Yeah, well...it fits.

Neil_Perry (9:14:42 PM): Since you want to do bad things to me.

JustTodd (9:15:41 PM): You are seriously frustrating. I'm not the one who started all of this. You were the one who said you would...do...me. And then I acted naturally in shock and inquired. You blew this out of proportion and OH GOD CHARLIE IS BACK.

JustTodd (9:15:52 PM): He says he wants to talk to you...

Neil_Perry (9:16:03 PM): Uh, alright...

JustTodd (9:16:06 PM): Yo! This iz NuWaNdA.

Neil_Perry (9:16:15 PM): ...Oh, please no.

JustTodd (9:16:35 PM): And dude. I no u totes want to get sum action with Todd.

JustTodd (9:16:46 PM): so go for it.

JustTodd (9:16:52 PM): or i will.

JustTodd (9:17:15 PM): ok, no, i won't go 4 Todd; but i will make u go after him

JustTodd (9:17:35 PM): becuz u 2 r soooooooo obviously ment 4 each other.

Neil_Perry (9:18:22 PM): I hate talking to you on IM...

Neil_Perry (9:18:27 PM): But WHAT?

JustTodd (9:18:28 PM): u LOVE me

Neil_Perry (9:18:33 PM): How would you make me go after him?

JustTodd (9:19:05 PM): i'm NuWaNdA. i have special powerz over n00bs like u.

(9:19:16 PM): If I could smack you right now...

JustTodd (9:19:31 PM): where would u smack me :-P

(9:19:39 PM): ...You are always dirty.

JustTodd (9:19:43 PM): Neil. I am so sorry about this. –Todd

JustTodd (9:19:49 PM): yes i is!

JustTodd (9:20:12 PM): anywayz. now that i sent Todd to go get me more porn from the back corner...

JustTodd (9:20:49 PM): Neil. i am ur bff. after Todd of course. and i want u 2 b happy. so go for Todd. becuz he makes u happy.

Neil_Perry (9:21:04 PM): I thought I needed to be afraid of what was coming next.

JustTodd (9:21:14 PM): i haz a heart.

Neil_Perry (9:21:17 PM): Well, yeah. He makes me happy. He's my best friend...

Neil_Perry (9:21:25 PM): Bha! Somewhere in there.

JustTodd (9:21:30 PM): :-D

JustTodd (9:21:39 PM): so...u gonna listen 2 me?

Neil_Perry (9:21:51 PM): But I'm not, uh, gay.

JustTodd (9:23:02 PM): Neil. u r the poster child 4 gay guys. not 2 the untrained eye. but i see the way u look at Todd. its the way i look at Playboy.

Neil_Perry (9:23:31 PM): I'M NOT GAY!

JustTodd (9:24:57 PM): damn. Todd's comin back. ok, here's what u gonna do. ur gonna tell him how u actually feel. becuz mayb ur not gay, but u like Todd. so shut up and b a man about it. and then Todd's gonna tell u that he feelz the same way and u 2 r gonna be all *yay! let's fuck!* even though Todd doesn't use that language.

JustTodd (9:25:12 PM): p.s. i have lube in the bottom drawer of my desk. bye.

JustTodd (9:25:52 PM): Gah! I'm so sorry Neil! He wouldn't give me the computer and the librarian gave up trying to keep us quiet and...whoa. What on earth were you guys talking about... O_o

Neil_Perry (9:26:14 PM): It's alright. I'm used to Charlie's antics.

Neil_Perry (9:26:17 PM): Oh...that?

JustTodd (9:26:22 PM): Yeah...that.

Neil_Perry (9:26:36 PM): Uh, about how's he supposed to be all...knowing. And that he has something I can borrow and...stuff.

JustTodd (9:27:01 PM): ...you do realize I can read the whole conversation and being vague won't help you in the least.

Neil_Perry (9:27:16 PM): ...

Neil_Perry (9:27:20 PM): He didn't close it?

Neil_Perry (9:27:38 PM): Damn it, Charlie.

JustTodd (9:27:39 PM): No.

JustTodd (9:27:50 PM): So...

Neil_Perry (9:27:56 PM): So...

Neil_Perry (9:28:00 PM): Uh.

JustTodd (9:28:12 PM): Okay. Fine. I'll be the mature one.

JustTodd (9:28:19 PM): Neil Perry, I have a crush on you.

JustTodd (9:28:29 PM): And if that weirds you out or something, just tell me.

JustTodd (9:28:37 PM): And we can switch rooms or whatever.

JustTodd (9:28:46 PM): But Charlie's right. I should just tell you.

JustTodd (9:28:56 PM): Wow. I just said 'Charlie's right'...

Neil_Perry (9:29:01 PM): That's a first...

Neil_Perry (9:29:06 PM): But no, it doesn't weird me out.

JustTodd (9:29:11 PM): Okay...

Neil_Perry (9:29:11 PM): I'm glad you told me.

JustTodd (9:29:25 PM): You're not going to...you know...tease me or pester me about this, are you?

Neil_Perry (9:29:52 PM): I may have been best friends with Charlie since before you but I'm not like Charlie. So no.

JustTodd (9:30:08 PM): ...I didn't really think you would :]

Neil_Perry (9:30:27 PM): Especially since you know...I kind of...feel the same way...

JustTodd (9:30:33 PM): ...

JustTodd (9:30:36 PM): Really?

Neil_Perry (9:30:41 PM): Yeah. Really.

JustTodd (9:30:45 PM): Wow.

Neil_Perry (9:30:51 PM): Yep.

JustTodd (9:30:59 PM): Nice pants. Can I test the zipper?

JustTodd (9:31:02 PM): DAMN IT CHARLIE!

Neil_Perry (9:31:06 PM): I guess that means I need to take a trip to Charlie's room...

Neil_Perry (9:31:08 PM): ...GAH.

JustTodd (9:31:21 PM): A trip to Charlie's room?

JustTodd (9:31:23 PM): Oh.

JustTodd (9:31:26 PM): OH.

Neil_Perry (9:31:39 PM): Unless that's uh, going too fast and I can wait and yeah.

JustTodd (9:31:40 PM): Oh.

JustTodd (9:32:05 PM): Well, um...I don't know...

JustTodd (9:32:13 PM): I mean...

JustTodd (9:32:25 PM): You could always take the trip and just...you know...see what happens...

Neil_Perry (9:32:36 PM): Yeah...that sounds like a good idea...

JustTodd (9:33:01 PM): Okay...well...I have to go put this book back, so...I'll talk to you soon?

Neil_Perry (9:33:29 PM): Very soon.

JustTodd (9:33:35 PM): Okay. :-)

JustTodd (9:34:35 PM): NEIL! I told you you were gay. NOW GO FUCK THAT ADORABLE LITTLE BLUE EYED FREAK THAT WE ALL KNOW IS PROBABLY SUPER KINKY! -NuWaNdA p.s. Todd just took out of the library like theres no tomorrow. expect great things.

JustTodd (9:35:19 PM): p.p.s. can i watch? :-P mwhahaha

Neil_Perry (9:35:51 PM): ...Did he? I should hurry up to your room t-EWWWW.

Neil_Perry (9:35:55 PM): CHARLIE!

Neil_Perry (9:36:01 PM): This isn't some sick porno.

JustTodd (9:36:14 PM): JustTodd has signed off.

Neil_Perry (9:36:38 PM): ...You are so dead Charlie. Even though Todd will be the one getting this.

Neil_Perry (9:36:42 PM): ...And Todd is already here.

Neil_Perry (9:37:18 PM): Neil_Perry has signed off.

(9:37:58 PM): Nuwandanator has signed on.

(9:38:41 PM): Dudezzzzzzzzz! if ur bored and lookin for something fun, camp out next to Perry and Anderson's door. u will be shock'n'awed. bring popcorn.

(9:38:51 PM): Nuwandanator has signed off

(9:40:01 PM): Knoxious wrote: Hey! It's finally someone other than me and Charlie or Meeks and Charlie! Sweet!

Knoxious has signed off.

(9:40:28 PM): CoolChris has signed on.

(9:40:39 PM): Uh...Knox? You've got some explaining...

(9:40:46 PM): CoolChris has signed off

(9:41:31 PM): GloriousGloria has signed on.

...Charlie? I thought only we did that! You're so not getting to use the cave with me this weekend.

(9:41:53 PM): TooHipTina has signed on

(9:42:03 PM): ...CHARLIE? GLORIA? WTF?

(9:42:13 PM): TooHipTina has signed off.

(9:42:21 PM): Nuwandanator has signed on.

(9:42:23 PM): ...who is this?

(9:42:24 PM): Nuwandanator has signed off

(9:42:31 PM): Meeks_the_brain has signed on.

(9:42:40 PM): ...Wtf do I miss when I take a nap? Guys?

(9:42:47 PM): Meeks_the_brain has signed off.

(9:42:56 PM): CatOnMat has signed on

(9:43:05 PM): I seriously need to transfer schools...

(9:43:29 PM): TTY guys later. Try not to be too loud. Thanks.

(9:43:37 PM): CatOnMat has signed off.

(9:43:46 PM): Keating has signed on.

(9:43:57 PM): ...You boys really are seizing the day. Aren't you?

(9:44:05 PM): Keating has signed off.

(9:44:24 PM): Richard_Cameron59 has signed on

(9:44:52 PM): ...I wish I had friends to talk to instead of just this Cyber Robot chick... :-(

(9:45:09 PM): Richard_Cameron59 has signed off.

(9:46:10 PM): Richard_Cameron59 has signed on.

(9:46:15 PM): I'M A TOOL.

(9:46:22 PM): THAT HAS AN EASILY HACKED IM.

(9:46:32 PM): LIGHTNING BOLTS 4EVER.

(9:46:42 PM): Richard_Cameron59 has signed off.


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